Proud to be an American?.... ummmm….. No.

A view from an American in Haiti.

Before you pick up a few rocks to throw them, I should share a few things first. I am a first generation American. I love my country. While I did not serve in the military, I was a cop for 10 years. I have been beat up, chased, and have seen more than one firearm barrel in my face with an intent to kill me. I live with the images of the dead I have seen… especially the children. So… fire away at my at me if you will, I am sure I deserve it.

I recently posted something on FBook about not being proud of our country. I drew flack with my view. I have waited a few days to reply because my first response was anger. Then I realized heck… I would have felt the same thing if the dirt of Haiti was not between my toes. The essence of this place cannot be seen in a video or in a photo. It cannot be told on the best storyboard.

That said, I have experienced this and am now responsible. I would be less than a follower of Christ if I did not shout out and take actions for the widows, the orphans, and the needy that I have witnessed so close to a country that is so rich. I am not called to love and care for those in America. I don’t read in scripture to love those that were lucky enough like me to be born in such a great nation. I am convinced that our Creator loves each person here that has so little hope as much as He loves my two children. How can I be proud of my amazingly great nation for what we have done here after what I have witnessed? How can I be a follower of Christ when the Gospel is littered with caring for those that are in need?

As a 20th century believer its so easy for me to look at adult couples living together and ask “how the heck can they call themselves believers and do that?”… Yet as I read the Gospel the times Christ talked about caring for the needy -vs- a guy who had 10 wives…. Well you do the math. I am not advocating multiple wives or sexual sin. I am simply convicted to try and read the Gospel as written and for Christ to break my heart for the things that breaks His. To try and take off my training as a “Christian” and try read His word as a follower of Christ.

I am… broken.

So, here is my reply to those who are not happy with me… and that’s ok, cause I ain’t happy with me either.

I have not met one American who has seen how people are living here that is remotely proud of our country and our response as a whole. How our great nation has responded to a people that on a very basic humanitarian level. While I am completely aware that this statement is disturbing to some, my greater responsibility is to share what I see. To be angry as I feel Christ would be angry. I think in 100 years the followers of Christ will look at the Christians today and scratch there head and ask… “How could they call themselves Christians and not do more with all they had?”

What else I see is a nation proclaiming to be followers of Christ that has accepted a roll of sympathy to a land that is less than 1,000 miles away from the Florida coast. IMHO, we have become perfectly content with feeling sympathy for a people that we are afraid to empathy for. Feeling empathy would require our nation to take action. Not the kind of action we see on CNN.  Real action. Take action for the million children living in floating feces as the rains came down when I posted a statement on FB in anger. Yes, I am angry.

The pessimistic person in me feels if there were an unlimited amount of oil under this land… it would be a lot easier for us to be empathetic.

I challenge my friends to take action that would allow you to empathize with the people Jesus has called us to serve vs. merely sympathizing with them.

What would it take for us to really know the pain of people for whom we show sympathy towards?

Added: If I wrecked my car, I would not be proud of myself. In the same sense, I am not proud of our country and what we have done here. One of my tasks here is to drive. I have driven most of PauP in my time here. I have seen HUNDREDS of homes being built by World Vision... but have yet to see ANYTHING done by the Bush/Clinton fund. ZERO.  I am sure somewhere they are doing some good.. regardless how do you allow this with money in the bank for a year?

With a million children living in muddy tents over a year later, the BCFund still has over 40 Million dollars for "relief efforts" that clearly is not reliving anything. While this is a complex problem... getting kids from living in their own filth is not rocket science.

Road rage in Haiti

If you have never driven in Haiti before, there is no good way of explaining what it’s like. The best way I know how to explain it is like leaving a mega church parking lot at 12:15pm on Sunday. It’s each man/woman/child to themselves to get out first.

The only two things that matters are
1) who was brave enough to inch up forward first
2) don’t get hit or be hit.

On one of my runs (I drop people off and pick them up to the airport here in Port au Prince) I was in one of the crazy intersections where you just inch up as far as you go, jog to the left or right, pull out in front of anyone that you feel has the breaks to stop before they hit you, and GO!. There simply is no rule(s). If you are to nice you won’t get through the intersection and you will get a verbal assault from the horn of the person behind you letting you know you are a coward.

So I have done this maybe a 100 times by now. I realize, the process and go. Now, one cannot properly describe in a blog how this works, but here goes. I entered the intersection and nosed up to the side of a dump truck crossing my path. This JERK behind him (who looked like one of those French guys by the pool that all the chicks dig, had this very hot looking lady chick next to him, and driving a car that screamed “I am special”) could have waited about 2 seconds and let me and my almost air conditioned Toyota pass, but he nosed in… cause he could. There we sat…. I am sure it was all of 10 seconds but felt like 5 minutes. My Toyata hood emblem was sited in perfectly at this bikini toting French guy. He was in my sights, a perfect bulls eye… now all I had to do is pull the trigger.

For those 10 seconds… I was so pissed off. Rage completely consumed me. I hated the fact that he out maneuvered me, drove a nicer car than me, looked like a sexy French guy, and of course… the girl. As for me, I was in a Toyota that you fill up with oil and check the gas, I won’t be caught dead in a French (insert what French guys wear in the pool here) cause I don’t have what it takes, and I was sitting next to a very unattractive man… I lost it.

To be clear, the guys in my car had no clue. I hide it well. I am a well-trained Christian man who can politely act Christ like in most any situation at the same time under my skin I am sinning like a mad man.

So we all got through the intersection and moving down the road and I found my self so angry. Just filled inside with rage. At that moment I could not tell you why I was so mad, angry, ticked… but I was all of that (inside). Now we get to the next intersection. I am thinking… revenge. So, without going into a detailed diagram of my Haiti textbook maneuvering skills, I went around the French guy and the hot chick like they were stuck in the mud and off I went. I was… victorious. You see… I had done to him what he had just done to me.

-pause-

I dropped off my passengers and on the way back I was having a little chat with God. Something that I do in the States a lot, but in Haiti you have a special pass and you don’t have to wait as long for Him to answer…. His whisper here is like a megaphone in your ear. To be clear, from the outside I did not sin. Did not do anything wrong. I drove the rules of Haiti and all was good. But inside, I had a lot to answer for to my Savior.

I asked God… hum…. “What that heck just happened?”. French guy did not do anything that I would not have, yet I was raged at him. I let my prejudice get in the way. I let my greed get in the way. You see, I like nice cars. I would love to look as hot as him by the pool, and yea… I want the hot chick next to me. I wanted all the things he had. I was consumed with greed and jealously.

I think God allowed me to rage over something I normally don’t rage about to show me the spirit of the people as a whole here. Americans come in driving cars (a car is luxury here), they come in herds (white guys in groups all taking pictures gets old to see), and of course the girl (I ain’t going there in this blog). To most Haitian’s, I am the French guy.

I am a snobby American. I come from a country that could give dignified housing to the million or so Haitians who this morning are waking up to urine soaked muddy tents, we could provide health care that is more adequate than the tents and board hospitals that I have seen, we could stop giving hand outs and start helping them help themselves, we could give more than 10% of the money in the Bush-Clinton fund help the people in Haiti today. I can’t blame them for their negative feelings about me. To them, I have it all. To me, the French guy had it all. I am sure the French guy is lusting after someone too. We all do. Some of us just hide it better than others.

Somewhere in all this I need to stop wanting what others have. I really suck at being content. I suck at being real with the folks around me. I am a master of hiding my feelings, my hurts, my fears. I am… a great 20th Century American Christian. I am a poor new testament Christian. What I aspire to be is a man who just loves Jesus and loves others regardless of the color of their skin or the wealth in their pocket.

What is Community?

In the last 24 hours here is a list of folks who reminded me of what community is. They reminded me of why it’s so important to have community and how blessed I am that each of them thought enough about me to message me today.

Bez & Bek: the Australian couple I am staying here with at the guesthouse. We work together to help the place run as smooth as we know how. Actually, they run it and I just drive around. They have shown me love and love for each other that is inspiring.

Levi & Kristi: Even though it was just a short few text, I got to chat with both of them today. They are the greatest kids on the planet and I don’t deserve them. I miss them and love them so much.

Megan: Perhaps a girl who shows more of the Gospel in her life than any other soul I know on this planet. We have shared some deep conversations. I LOVE getting to hear her heart. I have been blessed to really get to know some amazing young people over the last few years but this girl is really special. She has a love for Jesus and a love for others in a way that is so attractive. I have learned much from her. I hope I get to spend more time with her before I head out.

Sarah: You don’t know this but you are the one person that I listened to about going to Haiti. It was your encouragement and support that allows me to be here. I consider you one of my kids and you know my hurts, struggles, and challenges as much as any human on this planet yet at every step you encourage me. I would not be here without you. I love you.

Jimmie: Over the last year you have become perhaps my closest friend. You have heard the deepest crap of my life and still love me for reasons I don’t really understand. You excite me in your worship and desire to love Jesus more. I love to kick you in the tale for reasons I won’t say publicly and love it when you have successes in your life. It sucks that I will get back after the summer and you will be gone. I will miss you and your beautiful wife much. I know now what to say and not to say to someone who is serving out of the country. The scripture you sent me today helped me process the things going on in my heart and was heaven sent. Thank you for your desire to serve Christ, dig deeper, and share the inside of your struggles.

Bush: Since we both drank the water from the same source growing up, I get you. It’s been awesome to watch you grow your family (literally right now). I hope we get to spend more time together in the future. Thank you for your message today.

Aaron: I was not blessed with siblings but God saw the error and brought you in my life. We have shared more struggles together, have been more transparent with each other, discussed some of the dumbest theology, laughed, and simply walked life together for years. I am honored to do life with you.

Kacy: You text me some of the craziest things ever. Today’s laugh was the best. I miss our conversations and arguing with you about invitations. You have an amazing wife and I miss being called uncle harry.

Ken: Not a chance you read this but since I am only writing this for myself that is ok. You have encouraged me with your scriptures. Your hard stances on doing the right thing. Your tender heart (don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone). I miss hanging out with you.

Beard: While you are not in my daily life any more I wish you were. It was nice to say hi to you at 5am this morning.

Chris Taylor: I did not hear from you today and that hurts, but I had to say something about you because you may be a famous kicker one day this may help you remember me when you do.

Troy: I have known you only a couple of years. That said, without you I am not here. You have inspired me in ways you may never know. We have spend a few hours listening to the roosters, but not near enough… there are a lot more stories to tell. I’ll keep my uglier ones to myself lest you kick me off the island.

The above folks are my community. They don’t live next door or down the street. I have not seen some of them in a long time, yet they love me and encourage me. These are just the men and women of have talked to me in the last 24 hours. This is just part of my community. These people are just one way God shows his love to me.

Allow the dead to bury their own dead

Yesterday morning I dropped off some girls at an orphanage in downtown PauP. While I was there, we chatted with the gatekeeper there. He told us right over the fence was a dead man. Someone found the body earlier in the morning. I said… oh… and went on my day. Later that day I went back to pick up the girls around 4pm… the body was still there. As I stood there waiting to pick up the girls I could not help but think of Luke 9:59. I know the heart of what Jesus was saying was metaphorical, at least that is what I had always been taught. Yes, a few feet away lay a dead man that was in all likelihood just another dude like me walking the earth. The only difference is my day to go is in the future and his day was yesterday. The miracle of life and the tragedy of death happen frequently here making it less of a big deal than it should be. That is… unless that dead guy over the fence is someone you know. Then it becomes a big deal. In the book Radical, David Platt says something like this, “a tragedy is not a tragedy unless it effects you personally”. I will wake up tomorrow and pretty much forget about the dead guy. That in it self is a tragedy.

Luke:  Lord, permit me first to go and bury (await the death of) my father. But Jesus said to him, Allow the dead to bury their own dead; but as for you, go and publish abroad throughout all regions the kingdom of God.

I would like to tell you that I don’t really know why God put that verse in my head. The truth is that God has been telling me to let go of some things I have been holding onto for a while. I do let it go, but then I so easily pick it up. I need to let go of the dead things/people in my life, the ones that don’t bring glory to Him.

My prayer: Father, I do believe… but help me in my unbelief.


Random Haiti:

• I wondered why the UN wears blue camos. I felt like it blue camos was kina an oxymoron. I was corrected and told that the UN wears blue to battle the smurfs. Must work, I have seen zero smurf population here. Good job UN… good job.
• Paige informed me that rap music broadens here vocabulary. I have decided to have a vocabulary of an average redneck
• I held hands with Troy today cause it’s what guys do here. His hands are not soft and I did not get the warm fuzzies. I won’t do that again. My experimental days are over.
• I watched the heartline braintrust meet about things today. There is so much work that goes into true discipleship. Was reminded today how unglamorous it is, but it’s what we are called to do.
• I watched a dad walk his little daughter to school. There is just something special here about watching a father care for his daughter.
• I saw a cop truck with at least 25 little girls in uniform going to school. I swear, there is a photo op around every corner in this country.
• John got me a pretty blue bug zapper today. The last one I got literally went up in smoke… literally.
• I killed so many mosquitoes today. They all were lost and went to hell. I am ok with that.


Random Me:
A friend of mine told me weeks ago that this place will make one very introspective. I am about the most introspective person I know to begin with. I think deep and wide and with the passion of a bull in a china store. This place magnifies that. I feel so loved here one minute… yet so alone the next. I think of my life. It’s successes… it’s failures. I tend to focus on the failures a lot. Especially the ones that brought my path here. I need less introspective and more prospective. Just had a visitor in my room as I ended this. She reminded me of a time not to long ago when God plainly told me “I love you” and “It’s ok”

Mutemath Lyrics:
Your precious words intoxicate
A heart that aches; it's ok
You don't recall my past mistakes
You just say it's ok
The human mind can't calculate
Your perfect grace, but it's ok

Even though you've seen a thousand times
I've let you down
You're always there if I should call your name
You're unashamed, unashamed

We are the sum of the stories we live and the stories we share

• Phone call:
Troy: Harold, you can still come over but all the teen girls just got out of the pool and are all riding around on bikes wearing their bras. (long pause) I am not sure how my life got to this.
Me: Hum…. (Silence)

• My Australian friend knocked on my door tonight and offered me a cookie. I know it’s like no big deal… but to me it shows love. I have been shown more love here in Haiti than I ever imagined.

• Americans in Haiti live more in one slow day that anyone I know in the states live in a month. We are the sum of our stories…. And people who live here have many.

• After church I was invited to a family outing. I was part of a family today. I don’t have this type of family back home. Life is different here.

• Today I contemplated the fact that God might call me here. I don’t know what that means… but this thought scares me. I can’t live the life I want here… I have plans that God does not seem to be listening to that are easier filled back in the states than here.

• When God whispers here is like standing in front of a cheerleader with a megaphone

• God spoke to me on the way to church today. I was listening to “Everything” by Hillsong. It’s a song we sing at the Stone. We belt it out there, especially at the 7. God showed me so much on this journey to church. Fallen buildings, people living with nothing, people living under cardboard, people packed in back of the truck taking an hour ride to church at 7am just to worship…. I could not help but wonder that if I were in their shoes… would I really be giving my “everything” to Jesus? I am weak.

• I have a couple of friends dealing with some major crap back in the States. Most of the crap is emotional. They suffer from self worth issues. Truth is, I count myself in that group. As I look at the people serving here there is no self worth issues. They have a lot of hurt and struggles, but self worth does not seem to be high on the list as those back in the states. It’s interesting because the folks here serving have very little. Old cars, not many possessions, but what they do have is family and community. I have had the opportunity the last couple of days to just hang with friend(s). Can’t recall the last time I did that back in the states to the degree I do it here. While I can’t say I have the self-image thing licked… I can say there is a correlation between spending quality time with community/family and self worth. Giving to others and just working to get ahead. Truly committed to giving your life to Jesus at whatever cost and going to church a couple of times a week. The more I am here the more I see the importance of living for others and not self. It’s simply the Gospel and that Gospel is lived out a raw way here in Haiti.

We are the sum of the Gospel we live.

Is it safe in Haiti?

• A conversation walking down the road;
Me: “John, I don’t feel safe walking on this road, we are going to get run over by these taptaps (crazy taxi drivers)”
Troy: “Was Jesus safe on the cross? Was Stephen safe as he was stoned?”
We all start laughing. It’s an ongoing joke about how people ask if it’s safe in Haiti. The fact is I have never felt safer. Safe is a relative term. There are only two inevitable possibilities in life. Jesus will come or we will die. I don’t know about any one else, but when that time comes… I hope I am at the same place where Jesus & Stephen was when it was time to go. During that walk, I was reminded of one of my favorite Anberlin songs:
“Live, I wanna live inspired, Die, I wanna die for something higher than myself, Live and die for anyone else, The more I live I see this life's not about me”

• Today I got to witness Heartline turn over a home to a young lady who lost her foot in the quake. Heartline loved her, trained her, prepared her, and sent her off with the love of Jesus. The only words I heard as I watched her tears and felt her hugs was from God saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant” As we left, I looked over at all the 1,000’s of World Vision homes in the valley of this village. I could not help to ponder on all the resources that went into this one lady and her family. What World Vision does is great… it’s super. They are a great mission and I personally am a HUGE WV fan. That said, what Heartline does is 100% inline with the Gospel. It’s in line with how Jesus did it and told us to do it. The painful restoring of one girls life can reap rewards for generations… long after those walking today are long gone. It was not super glamorous. There was not TV crews or large crowds. But I could not help but feel like I was witnessing on God smiling down on the work done by the Heartline crew. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to witness these Godly men and women do your work.

• This is hard work. Really hard. I respect the folks here more every day. The work they do is not easy, It’s not glamorous, it’s hard on marriages, and you don’t see fruit every day.

• I watched a group of ladies get together and talk about Jesus last night. Not because it was on the schedule, or they wanted to get together to socialize. Not because it was an obligation. I could hear the hunger of the word as they talked about the gospel. There are truly some beautiful people here.

• The UN has very pretty blue hats.

what is poor?

I was talking to a Haitian man tonight.  He is staying here at the house for a while with us.  He was telling me how he was blessed enough to get to go to the states.  With 20 bucks he Left Haiti to go to school in the states.  He talked about how with 20 bucks he was rich.  I could not help but hear those back in the states that have electricity, hot water, a soft bed, a place to shower... yet feel like they have been robbed of something.  I know... cause am one of them.  I am but another American who feels shorted... missing something in life.  With all of Gods blessings, I have not let Him complete me.  I am work in progress.


Random thoughts:


* After seeing medical care close up and personal here... I felt for the first time in my life shame to call myself an American.  We completely SUCK as a country at helping these people.  The next time the song comes on "I am proud to be an American"... I will remember the sights I saw this week.  I love my country.  I served her for over 10 years... but I am not proud of what we are doing here as a nation.


* If you plan on giving... find a small non-profit that you trust and test God in some serious giving.  Better yet.... Go and do.  Stop whining about how bad the world is and go do something about it.


* There are some freakishly amazing people (mostly women) doing some amazing things on the ground here.  I have met some Doctors, PA's, Nurses (all women) that give endlessly for free just to serve.  My hat is off to these wonderful ladies.


* I am not complaining to much cause as a single guy… I enjoy getting to talk with women who have servant’s hearts.  It’s a pretty cool gig.  That said… where the heck are the able body men when it comes to serving others.  Us guys really suck.


* The UN has really bright white trucks and big helicopters.  If I can think of anything else about them thats really cool... I'll post it here.


* I was at someone house where white people in all likelihood have never been.  We were taking an elderly man out to get some medical care.  There was a 2 year old girl standing there looking at me.  She ran off screaming and crying.  She has never seen a while guy before.  It scared her.

*I love a full guesthouse.  Over 20 people here from all over the states giving of themselves in whatever talents God has blessed them with to give to a people who cannot give back.  So many stories from people all over the States.  I am proud to be fighting along side these folks to do whatever we can to share the love of Christ in whatever way we can.